I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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