In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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