If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
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After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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