Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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