Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
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i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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