I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I understand Curling. That high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Dear god my vagina.
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