At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
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I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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