You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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