just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
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I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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