He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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