You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
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I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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