Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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