Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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