My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
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I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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