We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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