can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
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she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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