Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
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Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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