i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
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Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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