I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
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His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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