I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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