while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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