so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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