Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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