Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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