He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
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Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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