God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
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my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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