she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
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And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
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Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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