I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
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He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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