oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
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By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
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Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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