I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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