i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize