Sry I called you an 8
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
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Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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