I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize