these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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