I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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