I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
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just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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