my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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