so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
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I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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