saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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