i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize