whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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