I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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