Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
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Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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