i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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