and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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