I swear she didn't look like that last week.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
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