Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
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She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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