I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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