I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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