My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
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My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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